Growing through the darkness

What a feeling it is seeing the mornings finally get lighter after a long, most challenging wintertime! As I sit here and sip a cup of cacao husk tea by Ayapacha, feeling so full of gratitude and optimism, i'm also feeling very reflective as I think about everything that's happened since November, just before winter started.

I had a bereavement in November that i'm still processing. It still doesn't feel real. I lost one of my best friends that was also like another mum to me. I saw this woman everyday as she was my downstairs neighbour. No matter the season, for the last three years we would have our daily chats outside and vent to each other. Then all of a sudden she was rushed into hospital , and didn't come home again. She passed away about five weeks later. I will speak more about it when i'm able to but the world lost a true Angel when Susan was taken from us all. She was the loveliest lady that would have helped anyone and she was such a laugh too, oh the times we shared laughing hysterically sitting on the steps outside! Memories to cherish forever.

A few days after having a bereavement I got the worst chest infection i've ever had, then the flu for three weeks! All of December was a write off, me and my son were bedded on christmas day and still felt awful on New years day! Most of January was also a miserable month as we were both left feeling so fatigued for weeks afterwards. How can you even fully process the shock and heavy emotions that comes with grief when you are that ill!

By the time we entered February, with all that plus continuous challenges with my son not being in school much for many reasons and never knowing what would present each day as I tried my best to get a little work booked in but having no routine and instead everything being chaotic, I plummeted into the darkness and all of a sudden felt so overcome with depression. For a few weeks I felt so heavy inside, my thoughts were sometimes terrifying , my nervous system was so shaky and I couldn't stop crying. I felt defeated, the pain in my heart was unbearable and I jut wanted to hide in the darkness under my duvet and not speak to anyone. However in the back of my mind there was a voice saying you're not allowed to do this Billie! You're a mum, you're self employed, all these people have to come before you!

woah!!

But wait a minute! If I don't look after me, who will?

The voice of my higher self whispered these words to me while I was tormenting myself lying in my bed and I broke down! I hugged myself tightly and all of a sudden there was remembrance. Acceptance. Love! so much love- the one thing I hadn't been doing for myself! I had been stuck in that vicious negative cycle yet again, of being my own worst enemy when I should have been there for me.

So it changed. I made a promise that day that I was ALWAYS going to put myself first from now on. No matter if others were pissed off at me for not being there for them when they expected me to, no matter how "busy" I was everyday. I would continue to make space in my day for ME. For self care practices, for connecting to nature, even just simply doing nothing and staring at the clouds!

Sometimes when life is tough we forget to zoom out and see the bigger picture because our thoughts feelings and emotions can be so overwhelming, we struggle to detach. All of a sudden our problems become us! So it's vitally important to take time out to journal, meditate, or do anything else that can bring us back into our bodies, becoming present again, and using reflection as a tool for growth. If you look back at things you've recently overcame , or even six months ago, a year ago, five years ago! You'll notice you're not the same person. You do indeed grow through the darkness....

So the next time you go to punish yourself, speak badly about yourself etc... flip it around, give yourself a pat on the back and celebrate the amazing you! Because you ARE amazing! Your heart, your mind, your body, your soul.... has been through so much ever since you were born, and needs you to be your best frind, your biggest cheerleader!

Go do something today that will make you happy. Happy feels good and looks good on you :)

All my love

Billie